Sometimes it's hard

Sometimes it's hard to be happy. I really want to be, but sometimes I need to remind myself every second, 'you ARE happy. Your problems aren't as big as you think they are.'

Sometimes I just need to constantly drill the fact that I'm happy into my brain. I need to remind myself of all the good things I have. A constant chanting to myself throughout the day. 'you are happy, you are happy.' even on the days when I desperately want to be unhappy, I can't let myself. I can't afford to break down and not be happy. Because I know that my problems are so small in the world.

Sometimes it feels like I can't talk to the people I want to about my problems. I can't talk to this friend about guy problems because she's on cloud number 9 in guy-world. I don't want to go whining about my problems to people because they're either overly optimistic, or they jump in with their problems and being me, i end up trying to make them feel better.

Sometimes I just want someone to be that way for ME. I want someone who'll make me feel better whenever I talk to them.

Sometimes in wishing that, I forget there IS someone like that. Someone that I can talk to any time, 3 in the afternoon or 4 in the morning. Someone that loves me and cares about me so much that he died for me. And he'll never leave me. And he'll always care about me. And his name is Jesus.

Sometimes I still worry though. I worry about being too, and this is going to sound weird, but too NICE. If I can look at what the world would consider my competition, and feel compassion. And feel empathy, and feel sad for them, what does that make me?

I know what the bible says. We're to pray for those who persecute us. We're to show his love to the world. But sometimes, the longing to BElong. To fit in with the world, sometimes that desire is so tempting. Sometimes I want to dislike people because 'they did this to me' or 'they did that to this person' sometimes there's an overwhelming urge to dislike them because of what they did to me. Or not even what they did to me, but if they play a roll in something causing me pain, causing me sadness. Sometimes I get so frustrated with struggling to like them.

So imagine if I did what I was supposed to do, and I LOVED them? Imagine what would happen. How many lives would I impact? One person, loving those the world says she should hate. How would it impact those people?

Sometimes we don't think about the people we choose to dislike. But what if we did? What if I looked at the person I want to dislike, and instead of seeing them on the outside, saw them on the inside. 'man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.'

Well what if we asked him to show us peoples hearts? Who knows what we would find? Chances are, we would be shocked. What if that person at school, or work, the really nasty one that has hurt you, or spread a rumor around about you, what if we could see their hearts? Because if I look at the people I want to dislike, if I truly take a minute to look past their outward appearance, you know what I see?

I don't see perfect clothes and makeup . I don't see cell phones and brand-name shoes. I don't see a smiling, popular, person. I see pain. I see sorrow. I see the need to have attention because inside, they're empty. They have everything you could ever want, but they're missing the one thing that holds me together. The one thing that gives me peace and love. They're missing Jesus. And it makes me so sad.

It makes me think about all the people I judge. All the people I feel have wronged me. Because even if they have, I've no right to dismiss them. No right to think of them as anything other than a soul. A soul! All these people we see every day, they have SOULS. And I know I don't think about that. I'm so busy thinking about the problems they cause me, that I don't think about the struggle they deal with every day.

I, as a Christian, am a sheep. I have a shepherd, and I know he loves me and I trust him with all of my heart. Because I know he leads me beside the still waters. I know he will lead me to abundant fields. But think of it this way. Everyone without my shepherd, is a lost sheep. They're cold. They're hungry. They're weary. And every day, two people are after them. The shepherd stands in front of them. Holding out his arms, calling them to him. But have you heard this song? "if we are the body". Jesus wants those sheep. He created them just as he did us. But he needs our help. He needs us to join together and be the bridge across the raging river. Those lost sheep can't make it across. They're frightened and alone, and they don't know who to trust. But if we, the ones they persecute, if we show them love, wouldn't that be such a testimony to them? Wouldn't they think 'wow. If I, the one who's hurt this person, can be loved and cared about by the same person I've harmed, what do they have that I don't? What enables them to love me after what I've done to them?'

Don't you think they'd come? Don't you think they'd allow us to bridge them to the bounty of care we have? To bridge them to our shepherd?

Because the wolf is also lurking in the shadows. He wants these lost sheep. They're alone and have no shepherd, and he will devour them if we don't help them first.

So guess what? I'm hurt. I've been hurt by people. And I will continue to be hurt by them. But they can't REALLY hurt me, because of my shepherd. They may throw stones, but they can't kill me.

Sometimes it's hard, but you know what I want to be more than anything? On this earth, I WANT to be different. I want to stand out. I want to show such incredible love and acceptance to people that hurt me, that they and everyone who sees will think 'wow. If she can do that, she's different. She's got something I don't.' because that's what we're called to do! We're called to be a city on a hill.

'In this world you will have tribulations, but FEAR NOT, I have OVERCOME the world'

I will have problems, I will struggle, but I will not face anything I cannot handle. If God knows I can handle my best friend, my ANCHOR in this world, if he knows I can handle her moving across the world, then I can. If he decides the person I like will be involved with someone else right now, I can handle it.

I just want to love. I want to be so different that people on the street walking past me, see that I'm different. I want to stop judging and start seeing hearts. I want to be an extraordinary young woman who grows into an extraordinary woman. I want to make Jesus smile in everything I do, all day, every day.

I want to be a blazing lantern in this world of darkness. Will you join me? Take a moment and think of what we would do together. Imagine if we did what we're supposed to do. Imagine if we just loved with no reserve, together! How much lighter can we make the world? How many more sheep can we join together to save?

I need to change. I am not perfect. I never will be. But I want to live for him and only him. I want to stop thinking about my problems, and let him lead me. I want to stop worrying and just trust. And love, and be kind and compassionate. Because that's how i want others to treat me.



-aven