Its always darkest before the dawn.

But what about darkness that lasts for a really long time? Like, months. And months. And months. What about that? Can the dawn really be right there around the corner? Or did something happen that just permanently turned out the lights. Can certain situations really become hopeless? Im starting to wonder.

In the book im reading, something did turn everything black. Knowledge was sought with innocence, but the seeker was also naive of the situation. Naive to a fault. His kingdom crumbled with his first bite of the evil fruit. That which had promised him wisdom, brought death. Pain. Ruin. The sky turned black with the forces of the enemy. What was once sacred, marred with sin. Then there was fighting. And anger and evil. Brought into a peaceful world that knew not of such things. Ruin.

So i wonder, if the darkness can last so long, when is the dawn? Months more away? Seconds? Minutes? Hours? Years?

Or is it me. Am i choosing to hold the heavy cloak of darkness over the light? In my desperation for answers. For instant gratification. Have i closed my eyes and turned my back to the horizon from whence the dawn will come? Am i running forever away from the east in my anxious search for the dawn? Away from the sunrise? Worse still, do i know i am?

I just want a breakthrough. You cant fake breakthroughs. I know. Ive tried to create them before. It doesnt work. Ive had one before and it was honestly miraculous. I want one again. So badly. But ive the feeling that IM the one keeping myself from one. But i dont know how and i dont know why. And its SO frustrating.

I know that things like that come when im at the bottom of a freefall. Into despair and hopelesness. Thats when i begin to truly seek answers. But i dont WANT to have to get to that point. I dont want to break again. I want to catch myself. Stop falling and reach up when i first slip. Not just wait stupidly until i hit the bottom. Thats like falling off a cliff into a gorge and only calling for help once you hit the rocks at the bottom. Stupid.

So i guess my job is to seek that i might find. Wish me luck with that. Its not easy to do that when you feel boiling turmoil inside at literally everything.

~aven