so judging by the RESOUNDING success of the poll i put up on the side inquiring as to the type of post i should do more often, an amazing total of ONE PERSON agreed i should do actual text posts where i talk and you guys have to sit there and read it. hahahaaaaaaa >:D
anyways, today i had a resurgence of sad/melancholy feelings. but this time they weren't so tiny and obsessed with just one main reason. nope. today they're all over the place. but mostly resting with Patti.
to understand the gravity of having your best friend in the entire world move across the world, you would have to experience your best friend in the entire world moving across the world. to put it lightly, it sucks.
to further understand MY exquisite and particular pain, you would have to know me and Patti's background.
we met in grade 4 through church. i had been attending that particular church for my entire life and she had just moved to canada. i remember her family had the coolest accents ever and i was totally enraptured by this new person MY AGE. but you know, me being ME, didnt do anything but admire from afar. what really kick-started our friendship was her coming up to me after service one day, and bravely handed me a picture she'd drawn, a shy smile on her face. i can literally see this moment in my head. i was standing outside the service doors and she hands me this drawing on a piece of notebook paper. and its this group of wild horses running. well you should know that at that time i was totally obsessed with horses. so to have this potential friend just waltz up to me and hand me a picture of my favourite animal? it was pretty incredible.
but we didnt become insta-best friends and skip off into the sunset right then. nope. i had a different best friend from school. and so did she. weeks went by where my parents encouraged me to call "that lovely Patti from church." did i listen? nope. i sometimes rolled my eyes because heLLO parents, im 9 years old. i have a social life already! it basically consists of me going to my best friends house and watching high school musical for hours. do i LOOK like i have time to go hang out with patti?
so there was nudging towards the friendship, but nothing really big. the rest of that year we kinda kept to our own friends. sure we hung out at church sometimes, but we werent really close.
and then came grade 5. i got Danielle that year. she was my new school best friend, and Patti became a closer friend at church. but i remember grade 6 as being the year me and Patti just totally connected.
before you know it, her and i are doing EVERYTHING together. im at her house almost every day. we get each-other presents like, once a week. not because we have to. just because everywhere we go its like "patti would LOVE this!" we discovered we have the exact same stuffy that we got on the exact same year--on opposite sides of the earth. before my parents know it, they're trying to remind me i have friends other than Patti that i could be doing things with. a week goes by without me and her seeing eachother and we start to lose it. we tell absolutely EVERYTHING to eachother. we have sleepovers and trade diarys so we can read what the other person may have forgotten to mention. we play Narnia in the forest behind her house. we look for 'doors' to Narnia literally everywhere we go. we bike all summer and spend winter lounging around reading books. ive heard people say that being comfortable with someone is when you can talk to them for hours. sure me and patti did that, but lots of the time we sat together for hours and didnt say anything. not a word for hours. we got so comfortable with eachother that it exceeded talking, into silence.
so best friends we were. all the way through middle school and right into high school last year. sure, we had moments when we would disagree about something, but i cant think of a single instance where we've fought for real.
Patti is like, my other half. i love her so so so so much that theres not even a word to describe it. more infinite than infinity. so when she left i lost part of me. a part of me so deep inside that i wasnt sure i knew how to go on without it.
people say sometimes its good to be separated from someone you depend on. y'know. as a growing experience. maybe theres truth to that. i did have to learn not to depend on her every single day of my life. but that doesnt mean i dont miss her.
the hard cold truth of the matter is i do still miss her. i miss her every day. i miss her laugh and her smile and all her expressions that ive come to know. i miss her mummy. and chocolate chip pancakes and watching movies together.
i miss her and i miss US.
i know ive said that before but today it hit me again. this summer i spread my wings a little more. i learned things about myself and about people. i learned this...
sometimes i feel lonely here. i know its home, but i feel like home is in more than one place now. and that leaves me feeling sort of fragmented. like one piece of a whole.
its different, without patti in town. theres no best friend to come home too after vacation. or to call on the weekend when im sad or angry or happy. theres no staying at tim hortons until they kick us out. its lonely. ive discovered that as scary as it must be for people to move away, its really hard to be left behind too. because you know the person is starting a new life somewhere else. and that they'll make new friends, and go new places. but you dont get to do those things with them. you have to stay and watch them grow where they're newly planted. and of course you want them to grow, but you feel melancholy because you're not experiencing those things. you feel alone and stunted. you want to grow too, but you feel like theres brick walls keeping your roots from expanding anymore. so you feel like you're reversing. curling up small and trying to stay that way because you feel trapped.
one of the reasons i loved vacation this summer was i got to grow too. i loved maple ridge. so much. i felt like i had a new life there. a new place to do things. a place where i was known by those i was with, but where other people didnt know me, and i liked that. i liked the potential and the anonymity.
then i got back home which was great too, but all of a sudden i feel invisible in a different way. like these people that have known me so long, dont know the new me. you want to come back and have people realize you're different than before. that you've changed. but all they see is the same old you.
now im looking at old pictures and conversations between me and patti. my sister. my best friend. and i just want to see her again. i just want to be around her. i want to hug her. and laugh with her. but i cant right now and that makes me really really sad.
so heres to best friends. and MY best friend. the most amazing, loveable, hilarious friend i could have ever found. she really is the best. my best.
and a message for the lady of the hour:
My most incredible friend and sister. I miss you more than the sun misses the moon. Think about that. They watch over the earth but never get to be together. You're day is my night. Just like my night is your day. So i suppose i am the moon of your night and the sun of your day. And you are mine. I pray for you every single time i pray. For blessings and health and safety and love. I miss you alot. I know you know but like, i REALLY miss you. And i hope we get to see each-other again really soon. Goshbubbles theres so much more i could say but i wont make anyone suffer through this post anymore. Thanks for choosing me to be your best friend. You're amazing inside and out. Never forget that. I love you.
xoxoxoxo
-aven
ps. the amazing Patti blogs over Here. Go follow here. You won't regret it.
anyways, today i had a resurgence of sad/melancholy feelings. but this time they weren't so tiny and obsessed with just one main reason. nope. today they're all over the place. but mostly resting with Patti.
to understand the gravity of having your best friend in the entire world move across the world, you would have to experience your best friend in the entire world moving across the world. to put it lightly, it sucks.
to further understand MY exquisite and particular pain, you would have to know me and Patti's background.
we met in grade 4 through church. i had been attending that particular church for my entire life and she had just moved to canada. i remember her family had the coolest accents ever and i was totally enraptured by this new person MY AGE. but you know, me being ME, didnt do anything but admire from afar. what really kick-started our friendship was her coming up to me after service one day, and bravely handed me a picture she'd drawn, a shy smile on her face. i can literally see this moment in my head. i was standing outside the service doors and she hands me this drawing on a piece of notebook paper. and its this group of wild horses running. well you should know that at that time i was totally obsessed with horses. so to have this potential friend just waltz up to me and hand me a picture of my favourite animal? it was pretty incredible.
but we didnt become insta-best friends and skip off into the sunset right then. nope. i had a different best friend from school. and so did she. weeks went by where my parents encouraged me to call "that lovely Patti from church." did i listen? nope. i sometimes rolled my eyes because heLLO parents, im 9 years old. i have a social life already! it basically consists of me going to my best friends house and watching high school musical for hours. do i LOOK like i have time to go hang out with patti?
so there was nudging towards the friendship, but nothing really big. the rest of that year we kinda kept to our own friends. sure we hung out at church sometimes, but we werent really close.
and then came grade 5. i got Danielle that year. she was my new school best friend, and Patti became a closer friend at church. but i remember grade 6 as being the year me and Patti just totally connected.
before you know it, her and i are doing EVERYTHING together. im at her house almost every day. we get each-other presents like, once a week. not because we have to. just because everywhere we go its like "patti would LOVE this!" we discovered we have the exact same stuffy that we got on the exact same year--on opposite sides of the earth. before my parents know it, they're trying to remind me i have friends other than Patti that i could be doing things with. a week goes by without me and her seeing eachother and we start to lose it. we tell absolutely EVERYTHING to eachother. we have sleepovers and trade diarys so we can read what the other person may have forgotten to mention. we play Narnia in the forest behind her house. we look for 'doors' to Narnia literally everywhere we go. we bike all summer and spend winter lounging around reading books. ive heard people say that being comfortable with someone is when you can talk to them for hours. sure me and patti did that, but lots of the time we sat together for hours and didnt say anything. not a word for hours. we got so comfortable with eachother that it exceeded talking, into silence.
so best friends we were. all the way through middle school and right into high school last year. sure, we had moments when we would disagree about something, but i cant think of a single instance where we've fought for real.
Patti is like, my other half. i love her so so so so much that theres not even a word to describe it. more infinite than infinity. so when she left i lost part of me. a part of me so deep inside that i wasnt sure i knew how to go on without it.
people say sometimes its good to be separated from someone you depend on. y'know. as a growing experience. maybe theres truth to that. i did have to learn not to depend on her every single day of my life. but that doesnt mean i dont miss her.
the hard cold truth of the matter is i do still miss her. i miss her every day. i miss her laugh and her smile and all her expressions that ive come to know. i miss her mummy. and chocolate chip pancakes and watching movies together.
i miss her and i miss US.
i know ive said that before but today it hit me again. this summer i spread my wings a little more. i learned things about myself and about people. i learned this...
sometimes i feel lonely here. i know its home, but i feel like home is in more than one place now. and that leaves me feeling sort of fragmented. like one piece of a whole.
its different, without patti in town. theres no best friend to come home too after vacation. or to call on the weekend when im sad or angry or happy. theres no staying at tim hortons until they kick us out. its lonely. ive discovered that as scary as it must be for people to move away, its really hard to be left behind too. because you know the person is starting a new life somewhere else. and that they'll make new friends, and go new places. but you dont get to do those things with them. you have to stay and watch them grow where they're newly planted. and of course you want them to grow, but you feel melancholy because you're not experiencing those things. you feel alone and stunted. you want to grow too, but you feel like theres brick walls keeping your roots from expanding anymore. so you feel like you're reversing. curling up small and trying to stay that way because you feel trapped.
one of the reasons i loved vacation this summer was i got to grow too. i loved maple ridge. so much. i felt like i had a new life there. a new place to do things. a place where i was known by those i was with, but where other people didnt know me, and i liked that. i liked the potential and the anonymity.
then i got back home which was great too, but all of a sudden i feel invisible in a different way. like these people that have known me so long, dont know the new me. you want to come back and have people realize you're different than before. that you've changed. but all they see is the same old you.
now im looking at old pictures and conversations between me and patti. my sister. my best friend. and i just want to see her again. i just want to be around her. i want to hug her. and laugh with her. but i cant right now and that makes me really really sad.
so heres to best friends. and MY best friend. the most amazing, loveable, hilarious friend i could have ever found. she really is the best. my best.
and a message for the lady of the hour:
My most incredible friend and sister. I miss you more than the sun misses the moon. Think about that. They watch over the earth but never get to be together. You're day is my night. Just like my night is your day. So i suppose i am the moon of your night and the sun of your day. And you are mine. I pray for you every single time i pray. For blessings and health and safety and love. I miss you alot. I know you know but like, i REALLY miss you. And i hope we get to see each-other again really soon. Goshbubbles theres so much more i could say but i wont make anyone suffer through this post anymore. Thanks for choosing me to be your best friend. You're amazing inside and out. Never forget that. I love you.
xoxoxoxo
-aven
ps. the amazing Patti blogs over Here. Go follow here. You won't regret it.
No comments:
Post a Comment