sad

she said he looked sad.

we walked away from seeing him and thats her impression. i dont know, maybe i saw it too. was that what his expression was? that sort of gaze, past who he was talking to, to me? that face, the same, but not lit up with the typical smile. is that what sadness looks like? staring eyes. making me feel uncomfortable. like he was looking past just my eyes to whats inside? to my thoughts, to what i was feeling. he looked confused. i understand that. 

it hurt. seeing him like that. and knowing i felt the same way. seeing both of us confused, hurting, sad. about the same thing, but nothing we could talk about together. i feel sad too, thinking about it. i know hes confused because of me. because i just... stopped. all of a sudden. stopped really being his friend. its like one of my favorite songs, "there's water in your eyes and i know im the reason that its there. but still i dont feel bad because i know that you have more to spare." thats sort of how i felt. not that i thought he would cry over me. just, ok. if you dont want to make an effort i wont.

That wasn't the only reason though. i liked him. and I couldn't tell him. and I was pushing everyone away so they couldn't hurt me. he didn't know it, but he was hurting me. i couldn't just continue acting like everything was ok. I couldnt act happy for him when he talked about his girlfriend anymore. so I took the cowards way out and i ran away. and I hated it and now I'm sad too.